I’ve spent over a decade studying Calvinism and talking to Calvinists. I’ve read books from Calvinists, listened to their debates and sermons, and I’ve watched their videos. I’ve had hundreds (if not thousands) of discussions from Calvinists. I ALREADY KNOW that there will be some Calvinists who will read this blog post and saying, “You obviously don’t understand Calvinism!” or “This is a straw man argument against Calvinism!” or “You are misrepresenting Calvinism!” or “The people you’ve been talking to aren’t the real Calvinists!” I’ve heard these things a million times.
You know what I’ve experienced, though? Most people who I’ve talked to, who call themselves Calvinists, don’t even seem to know what Calvinism is. They probably watched some popular video on YouTube, listen to a popular podcast, read a well-known Calvinist’s books and assume that they are some kind of expert on Calvinism. Then I come along and bring out the TRUTH about Calvinism and what it leads to (“Consistent Calvinism”) and they want to act like I don’t know what I’m talking about.
With all of that in mind, I do believe all of the below is actually accurate. Although, some of it is meant to be “funny,” I do believe it is all true, based on my knowledge and my experiences over the last decade or so. And when I say “funny,” I don’t mean that it is funny for people to be deceived or to believe in false teaching. Many are “funny” in the sense that they are utterly “absurd.” If you laugh at them, it’s probably because you have seen the “absurdity” in them, just like me or you have had conversations with Calvinists where you have experienced them. Just thought I should clarify that.
THE OFFICIAL CALVINISM DICTIONARY
“All” and “world” mean the elect.
“Whosoever” means those God picked to be on his team.
“Calvinism” means the Gospel.
“TULIP” is the greatest acronym of all time.
“Call” (effectual) is to be irresistibly dragged.
“Call” (general) is God’s justification to condemn the reprobate.
“Regeneration” is to be born again before repentance and faith.
“Compatibilism” is lukewarm and logically inconsistent Calvinism, something Calvin rebuked.
“Faith” (1) is something that the elect are zapped with after regeneration, (2) a work that gives pride to Non-Calvinists.
“Repentance” (1) sinning less (just a little) AFTER being regenerated, (2) a “gift” forced upon you, not something for you to do.
“Deceiving yourself” means thinking you can go a whole day without sinning.
“Holiness” is sinning every day, but God is either OK with it or blind to it.
“Righteousness” is someone else’s good conduct transferred to you.
“Sin” (1) is a hereditary disease passed onto us via something our great, great, great, great, great grandparents did in a garden, thousands of years ago. (2) is something that was freely done by your great, great, great, great, great grandparents, but that you are “born with” and can’t help but do. (3) is a force so powerful that it can never be overcome in this life (even for a day), even with the power of God on your side.
The “Resurrection” is when God zaps you so that you never sin again, even though you sinned every day until the day you died.
“Dead” means you can’t do ANYTHING…..except sin.
“Depart from/fall away from the faith” means you were never in it, to begin with.
“If” isn’t conditional.
“Beware” isn’t a real warning to genuine believers.
“Name blotted out” means it was never written in the book, to begin with.
“Branch cut off the vine” means it was never a part of the vine in the first place.
“Escape the pollutions of this world” is referring to those who were never truly saved.
A faith becoming “shipwrecked” is referring to a fake faith.
“Salvation” is being “justified” while continuing to do the things which condemned you in the first place.
“Sanctification” is sinning a little less every day after “becoming a Christian,” not too much though, otherwise you are deceiving yourself.
“Discernment” is reading all of the Calvinistic books that you possibly can, listening to/watching all of the Calvinistic sermons you possibly can, going to a Calvinistic church and possibly even going to a Calvinistic seminary, to make sure that you read the Bible “properly.”
“Sovereignty” is God controlling everyone and everything like a robot or a puppet on strings, but not being responsible for any of it.
“Eternal Hell” is the place people go to be punished for something that was unavoidable and they had no power to change.
“Justice” is being accountable for someone else’s crimes…someone you’ve never met.
“Works salvation” is anything that doesn’t agree with Calvinism’s TULIP.
“Free will” (libertarian) is of the Devil.
“Babies” are monsters of depravity, who if they could, would kill their parents while they sleep.
Consistent Calvinism (Calvinism that is taken to its logical conclusions) is “hyper Calvinism.”
“John Calvin,” a man with no theological training and who put to death those who disagreed with him, is the greatest theologian ever.
“Misrepresenting Calvinism,” also known as “you obviously don’t understand Calvinism” is anything that makes Calvinism look bad or Biblically refutes it.
“Exegesis” is the eisegesis that Calvinists love to engage in.
“Hermeneutics” is any principle of interpretation that leads to the Calvinistic interpretation of the Scriptures.
“Context” is the magical word that you use to read Calvinism into a passage.
A “Pelagian” (aka “Semi-Pelagian” & sometimes synonymous with “heretic”) is anyone who is doing a really good job refuting Calvinism and who you don’t want anyone to pay attention to, so you use this magical word to make people stay away from him.
“Servetus” = lalalalala, I’m not listening, because it’s “irrelevant”
“Secret will of God” is something that God has revealed to only Calvinists to help them “prove” Calvinism.
*Maybe periodically updated with more definitions
And they call all of this Biblical?? What Bible are they reading??
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